Lost thoughts: proving pain

During the depths of food and exercise controlling my waking conscious thoughts, I had an inate insatiable desire to tell people of the pain that was bubbling below the service. I didn’t want to do so through conversation, that was too forward, and like having a baby there’s never a good time to announce you have issues.

At one point I wanted to start a blog, other times a social media presence was the centre of my focus. I craved reaching out to institutions which had hurt me, but behind the guise of anonymity.

On reflection what fed this desire, was the need to validate the pain and suffering. I could see I was pouring parts of my life away, straying from the path I had once envisaged. I’d booked holidays and festivals, that year I attended neither. I signed up for jobs I soon quit. In conversation to friends and colleagues, I was present but not really there, instead fixated on the thoughts which internally ate away at me.

I filled my time with food obsessions and exercise. I wanted to justify what I was giving up on was not in vain, I was actually hurt and unwell. This is a very internal desire, because really I didn’t need to justify my pain to anyone. What I needed was help and support. I was denying myself relief through trying to prove what I had gone through.

For the friendships I had lost or grown distant from, I’m sorry in that period I was not focused on them. I was trying to prove to myself I was unwell which was ironic as I already knew it.

This is where posting before and after pictures unsettles me. I appreciate you are showing people it’s okay to change weight, size and appearance. I respect that. I respect saying small isn’t healthy and nor should it be idealised. However, this practice attaches to the size of being smaller that this is the only way your body should be after recovery. It also suggests you have to be small enough to be sick, and should be reaching a certain point before being helped. You do not need to aspire to a certain goal weight. And with that the photos of me at different points will be staying private.